love.lies.lust.

yesterday i jerked awake at 7.33am thinking i got lots to study and what do i start with first. then, i it took me about 3 whole minutes to realise that O's is almost over and the only paper left is science MCQ. then i calmed down for a bit and went to play maple. oh, i love my life. :D

and i just watched 3 episodes of OC. and i have the whole stack of L word season 3 staring at me cos i rather watch OC first then L word. omg, i'm so lame. and i still wanna watch Full House after sheila's mom is done with it. and a whole lot of maple to play. oohhhh, i love my life. :D

now, off to Science MCQ!!!!

chao!

3:26 PM

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

3:21 AM

2:30 AM

sheila ninny and i were checking out http://urbandictionary.com and we typed in "knn" and look what we found.

1. knn

short for KANINA or
"fuck your mother"
usually a swear phrase
used in singapore

"KNN! My LJ put into your CB, now I have syphillis!"

wah lao, the last line is damn funny! haha. :)

9:30 PM

i so wanna die right now. and there's 2 ways to kill me.

menstural cramps and suiside.

4:36 PM

listen to Jewel's foolish games for effect.

Faith

I have never seen my father, nor have I spoken to him before. I never had a chance to hold his hand when I was afraid; nor had I received any birthday presents. All I had were his well wishes. He never came to any parent-teacher meetings nor brought me to the zoo. All I knew was how he looked like from pictures, what his favourite food were, what his favourite colour was and that his eyes were the most beautiful shade of blue.

My daughter has never seen her father in her seventeen years of life, has never smelt the aftershave he always slaps on, has never eaten the fabulous meat loaf he could whip up. She could never and I do not blame her. I have always wondered if it would be damaging to a child without a male figure to look up, but I guess I was wrong, she grew up perfectly fine as she admired him from the distance.

I've always wondered if my father's hand was smooth like baby's bottom, or rough after all the years of carpentering. I did not mean to eavesdrop, but I often overhear my mother asking her friends if it was alright for my development if I did not have a father figure to look up to. I did not see that as a worry, I’ve always admired him from afar and I’ve always loved him no matter what he has done.

Benji and I were celebrating at the restaurant almost 18 years ago after learning about my pregnancy. We had a scrumptious meal of beef and baked potatoes which we knew we could only afford once in a blue moon as that entire meal could buy us a week’s worth of groceries. I knew the baby would lie heavily on our pockets, but I also knew it was all right. It was Benji's child and it made him so excited and happy to learn he was soon to be father. After seven years of marriage and trying, a miracle happened.

My mother told me several times why my father could not be with us, but that did not mean he loved us any lesser. She said it was the day my parents learnt that Mother was expecting me. It was dark and cold and the only affordable restaurant was in the part of town where it was not exactly the safest. Three drunk, big and burly men approached my mother while she waited by the side as my father went to drive the car over. They tried to get fresh with her, tugging on her sweater and pulling her to where their truck was. She kicked and protested and screamed fearing for the safety of the foetus.

I remembered the fear and panic that set in as those men tried to pull me like a rag doll towards the smelly truck. I remembered praying to God for Benji and to keep the baby safe. How, I remember that night so clearly. In an instant, I saw one of the men lying on the ground, blood gushing out of his nose like waterworks and the other two staggering about with their sour breadth down my neck. I saw a flash of white that flew across and another man was down. Benji was a good fighter and he never lost any matches. However, this time, it landed him in hot soup.

I have seen trophies of boxing on the shelves belonging to my father when he was still in school. No doubt he was a great fighter, but he never fought outside the ring my mother claimed. But, that night was an exception. He fought to save my mother and he fought in order to save me. As he bravely took on the three of them and protected us, my mother ran back to the restaurant to call the police and seek help. She was however, too late.

With adrenaline running through his veins, Benji could be very strong, and fatal. I ran out with the kitchen chef and a muscled diner only to see Benji throwing final punches to the last man standing. Benji looked raged and almost insane as the kitchen chef pulled him away from the already motionless man who was almost twice his size. I looked around and saw the men all lying motionlessly on the ground with their faces covered in blood and gravel. Is this what rage and the power of love could do? Soon, I heard sirens from the distance as Benji put his bloodied arms around my shoulders and tried to comfort me instead as I engulfed in sobs.

My mother said that thinking back, the pale, look of horror on the faces of the spectators as they gasp in shock and their hands flew up to their perfectly shaped mouths were actually quite amusing. However, it was not so amusing for my father. He was charged with manslaughter as he killed one of the three and made the other one deaf, the third man never walked the same again. I remember asking her once, how she could love this man I had grown to admire.

"Faith. That is also why I named you Faith." I answered her.

11:29 PM

i swear i love this bitch as well. i really really do.

cos, look what i got from her.

hayden:
I MISS YOU BITCH!
HEH you know i love you too yes?
YES! YES!
Seriously,i don't know what or how my life will turn out to be without you.I think my life will be quieter and much more peaceful without you.The shoutings in school from one end to the other calling out 'HAYDEN' that left us standing there laughing for 5 minutes, those touchy wheechy hands of yours will never stay where it suppose to be whenever you see me,those times that we walk around compass like some idiots just because your piano classes start 1/2 an hour later and those times that you try so hard just to make me smile. Though sometimes you can be such an irritating ass that gets on my nerve but i can never imagine life without you, no one will hear my oh so called same old problems and advice me in everything i do. Without you i will not had made it through.
HEH TOUCHING YES?hahah of course it's from the GREAT ME.

Ps:I swear this is the longest testimonial i wrote.A 1000 characters testimonial. Be Honoured. :)

9:47 PM

i swear i'm the luckiest bitch on earth.

i have the greatest friends and what i studied for SS came out.

thank you nic and ninny, my SS tutors.

thank you sheila, my math and soon to be physics tutor. (and also for being such a petty ass for me to laugh at.)

ok la, not petty la. i made that up.

thank you filly, toi, jo, sham, jaden, terry, kevin, timmy, mikko, yvonne, jiawen and tessa for wishing me luck and having lottsa faith in me! love you all! muah muah!

some of my classmates, i guess were unlucky. they studied like 3 or 4 topics, but none of it came out. i studied like aging, good governance and merger. but only merger, conflicts in northern ireland and education came out. i'm soooo lucky i swear.

anyway, after math paper went to RM where sheila and nic were waiting for me. and as i was urgent i had to pee. anyway, i walked into the cubicle, and i saw this baby cockroach. maybe about 1.5 cm long? its was crawling around on the door and i was trying to see if it had wing. if it had then it could fly, and i would run out of the bloody cubicle still peeing, but thank god it didnt. when i was done i slowly inched my way near the door to unlock it and i ran out as quickly as i could. ahha. thank god there was no one in the toilet. :D

i hate cockroaches!

then 2 days ago, i came home from nic's and i saw this DAMN FUCKING HUGE cockroach right in the middle of the corridor!!! and i didnt dare jump over it cos i was afraid it would fly or crawl really quickly up my leg (you know how fast cockroaches crawl!). so i was like waiting for it to crawl away so i could walk, but it just moved its bloody feelers instead. thne i tired scaring it by stomping my feet as near as i dare to scared it away. but no, it just continued to move its bloody feelers idiotically. then i finally took my slipper off and slid it towards the bloody dreaded thing and it finally CRAWL SUPER FAST into the drain that's not very deep. u know those shallow ones by the corridor. and i RAN a few feet to my door and pressed the bell. but u know what, i think that cockroach is like in love with me or something. it crawled out of the drain and inched slowly near me and i had to run away. to the staircase that is next to my door! until my maid opened the door and the cockroach ran toward's my neighbour's house! HEE HEE! and then i flew into my house.

omg. so disgusting.

my adventures with cockroaches! :D

no paper tmr. wed is english and physics. thurs is geog. friday having math paper 2. :D

6:03 PM

( click to enlarge)

3:00 PM

i just want someone who'd cover my ears when the lightning strikes and the thunder roars.

12:36 PM

i think i am the only 17 -year-old pathatic asshole who gets only $20 a week. ha ha. not.

------------

nic: i thought most mixed-blood girls are pretty? whatever happened to her?
nat: mutation lor. a sudden and irreversable change to the genotype.

HAHAHAHHA! ur supposed to laugh. :D

and if ur wondering, her name ends with an E.

12:01 AM

for the third night in a row, i had disturbing nights of sleep. after an entire day of studying, what i really want is a peaceful night with no dreams/nightmares. seriously, i cannot remember what shit i dreamt of last night, but i know it was some emo fuck dream.

oh wait. i do rmb.. i rmb being in sjc, and it being the last day of school. and i was looking for my class, running up and down looking for them, but i couldn't find them. i woke up feeling like i ran a hundred miles.

its so tiring to have dreams. really. i feel even more drained, even more worn out.

ahh damn.

12:50 PM

last night i dreamt something very horrible. i never felt as bad as last night, never as sad/disappointed, never so lost. i dreamt that i failed my O's. that i couldn't go anywhere, that i got a C for my english and science, my pet subjects. i was more sad about my english and science. haha. laugh la laugh la. and this sinking feeling is still in me. i woke up with a start and in tears and i immediatly went to study. and i totally forgot about it until like just now.

everyone want's their dreams to come true.. but not me.

so now, before i really cry, i'mma goona study!

good luck to me!

12:15 AM